I remembered one time you asked me to describe myself in a few words. I chose words like “clumsy” and “awkward” because that’s exactly what I am. You told me “no”, and I never understood that. In turn, I asked you what you would describe me as and you said “wonderful”. I’ve never heard you use that word before to describe anything or anyone.
Then I remembered one time when we realized we never had enough time to talk at school so you called me, and you just stayed on the phone with me, because I was alone at home and I heard peculiar noises…not necessarily talking but up until your dad got home, just to keep me company.
Then another time, I called you crying. I couldn’t even breathe from all the tears I was crying. I started the call in the basement and eventually lost the signal. It took us a few times but we got it. If I stopped crying for long enough, I would have heard you sing me the song you always promised you’d sing for me.
Sometimes when I think about you, these are the sort of moments I hang on to. Not this person, saturated with sleaze and vices, with a deficiency of self-esteem. For someone that has a horrible memory (both short term and long term), even these moments were a little too perfect to taint.
Really tired and a little bit sadder than usual. I really don’t want to see anyone anymore.
I only have 22 days of home left because I leave for camp and I move into school early.
Drenched in bluff and garnished with guilt
This guy drunk texted me tonight… An exorbitant amount.
My friend texted him and told him to “stop drunk texting my friends”. So he apologized profusely. I told him I didn’t mind. Truly.
She made a joke about his affection for me resurfacing and he goes “No…maybe”.
Oh my…there’s that.
He asked me to hangout again at my favorite coffee shop, which was rather sweet.
But I just wonder, can some patron really be enough to develop feelings for someone you barely even know?
Thank god I didn’t say anything embarrassing because 1.) I’m sober… That’s so much worse. 2.) I had friends around him and Lord knows if he showed them the texts 3.) When he recovers tomorrow and sees those, I have a feeling he won’t be too impressed with himself.
We hungout in a large group of guys, with me being the only female. If he wanted to talk to me, he had plenty of opportunities to do so. Nothing was cute about laying next to him in the trunk of some random person’s trunk with two other guys. So what exactly triggered it…? It’s not like I even put anything on social networking or we’re even friends on snapchat nor was I texting someone else he was with. Is this really how alcohol affects us?
The worst part about having one-sided feelings isn’t even the fact it’s not reciprocated. It’s the mental toll that you pay. Every single time it possibly skirts into your mind. It’s every single shortcoming you could possibly have or convinced yourself you do have. Only amplified. Industrial power magnification. It’s the action of throwing the glass jar of self esteem out the window and watching it soar through the air with the knowledge it will eventually crash and getting that twisty-anxious feeling in the pit of your stomach comparable to getting hit by a bus when it’s up the air, and helplessly seeing ever-reliable gravity do its job, and the sounds of the silica kissing the pavement. It’s the after-effects of knowing your ten, gentle, fingers innocently caused the scene.
And it sucks because I didn’t think feelings could spawn again after I’ve felt cleansed of his presence in my mind and especially after how many times I’ve been emotionally wrecked by this constant mental battle of “why am I not good enough for him”, and you would think if the person physically goes far away, like the literal distance would diffuse the affection, like it would only get better. But really, it only gets worse. Isn’t that quite the occurrence? Isn’t that quite the paradox?