Clarity

You see, I’ve liked you for so long. But then I realized that nothing was happening, and I needed to give up. So mentally, I took a break from you in general. Strictly friends. For a few weeks, I treated you exactly how I treated a friend. And I guess you didn’t seem to notice which made me a little happier just because the idea of me not needing you anymore made me so happy. But then I also got a little sad which turned into more happy. But then I found out that you actually felt really bad about the whole prom thing. And the worst part? Apparently you like me. “I like her, but I just don’t know what I want.” I don’t know about that one, man. I know that should make me really happy but it honestly doesn’t. You’ve been all-over me recently. Texting me, pictures, walking. And I guess you could say I haven’t really reciprocated that. But dude, how many times have I been there done that? And yeah, I have zero clue what I want either. I don’t even know if I like this guy.
Last time someone liked me, 2 years ago, we took a little friendship break beforehand and I was never happier to find out how he felt. I couldn’t stop smiling.
But why is this any different? If anything, he knows me better and we hangout.
I just don’t understand the shift.
But first off, I really don’t know if I like him. I probably do but to what extent?
Secondly, do I want to act on this…or respond to him acting on this? So maybe I should try this.
So I know I don’t want a relationship. I think. Those freak me out too much.
And I don’t really think I want to have a “thing”.
And I’m 100% sure I don’t want friends with benefits. Or in this case, hooking up? Whatever you want to call it.
Oh gosh. I just don’t know anymore.
And honestly, I just want the both of us to get over this.
Maybe we should give this a try over the summer.
I just don’t get it.
If I’ve invested so much into this, why I am I telling myself I just only want to be friends after all this time? And pushing him away when he’s finally close.

I hope you realize you made my life forty times more awkward than it already is. That’s a lot of awkward in case you didn’t already realize that.

Why fall for you when I could achieve the same results by getting hit by a bus?

So prom was last night. And I’m a little hungover from life, not from anything else. Promise! “Get dressed up, not messed up.” Besides, I don’t need alcohol or drugs to get messed up; I’m already there.

Pictures was actual hell. I hate taking pictures, and I’m one of the least photogenic people to grace the planet. My best friend and I escaped maybe 40% of the pictures, and our excuse was that we “got lost”. Sounds about right. I got pictures with my 3 best friends, Nate, Bridget, and some other people. Unfortunately, I honestly only managed to look good in two of the photos. One of them was a sophomore girl; she’s precious. The other one was with my close guy friend. Yeah. I was trying to avoid that the entire time.
I saw him early while I was talking to Nate and Bridget. He was really surprised to see me. What’s surprising about seeing the entirety of our city at the only appropriate picture-taking location? I just smiled, nodded, and turned the other way. Then right when they were about to leave, I saw my best friend. And he was with them. And he insisted on getting picture. “No, I really can’t do this right now” probably wasn’t an appropriate response so instead, I just nodded with a fake smile plastered on my face. 
So my best friend caused a scene and made us stand in front of what she deemed was a pretty area and took 10 pictures of the same exact pose. I was hardly impressed, and I wasn’t keen on being touched.
“Thanks Catherine! Will you send those to me or something?”
“I’ll send them to Wendi, and she can do that.”
“Alright, thanks! Bye guys!”
“Stay safe.”

Clearly not thrilled.


So I explained the rest of the situation to Cathy in the car on our expressway drive. She also wasn’t impressed.

Dinner was actually hysterical. One of my favorite seniors, Cathy, and I facilitated our own conversation and had harmless fun ridiculing everyone else in the group. We were definitely just kidding, and dinner was full of laughter.

We went to the candy store across the street. They actually opened just for us; it was so generous of them.

Cathy and I walked back to our car and drove off to the dance. We cranked up the music because we were feeling really happy.

We met up with everyone, and surprise! More pictures. Was not thrilled about that opportunity. We walked into the dance, and we were really astounded. It was actually super classy. Half of the ballroom had food and tables to lounge at and the other half was the actual dance. They played good music, and it was really dark so you couldn’t actually tell how trashy people were being. 

We had so much fun there. I can’t even believe it. We managed to spend over an hour there. When we found out the time from Maura, we panicked.

We rushed back to our friends and quickly said our farewells.

We got back into the car and drove back into town to a local coffee shop that opens until midnight. Just needed tea to wind down. We met one of my best friends there, Sean. He didn’t prom because of this awful girl…who happened to be in my prom group. He got there 20 minutes after we did. Yet another surprise, we saw the same guy I tried to avoid at pictures. Except this time, he was wearing a normal shirt and khakis. He was with his best friend and another close friend of theirs. I was beyond confused.

So yeah, Cathy and I turned up the music so loud and sang at the top of lungs to finish off the night. 

I got home, and Sean had a mental breakdown. I addressed that situation before I went to bed. I feel so bad for the kid. He’s honestly one of the most talented, smart, genuine, and attractive guys I’ve ever met. For his senior year to be ending like this is honestly a shame.

 So I woke up today and I literally did nothing. I was essentially half asleep the entire day. I finally decided to take a nap.

When I woke up, that kid I tried to avoid all last night texted me.

I got myself some coffee and ice cream to try and cure my upset and to motivate me to start my homework.

That brings me to here.

Prom hungover. And still upset with boatloads of chemistry and other homework.

Solid.

I haven’t broke down yet.

Even after making you super jealous.

I wasn’t even trying, dude. 

It’s not my fault your best friend is super cool. 

I’m pretty impressed with myself that I was capable of making that happen.

Trust me, I’ve had one of the happiest days today for a very long time. 

Prom in two days. I can promise you one thing; I’ll be having so much fun, and the best part is that you’ll be off my mind.

Really though, if you think I need you, you’re sort of right. You’re also very wrong.

Darling, I’ve been so closed off recently; you’ve noticed. I’ve just needed space to get over you, for real this time. It’s actually been working. I think ultimately what worked was finding out that you are indeed going to prom with a girl who is one of your best friends. She wanted to go but refused to go without a date so I guess that’s where you came in. The idea that she convinced you to go is just so off-putting to me. Not because you told my best friend that you would have asked me if you planned on going, but because I hate the idea of an inconsistent personality. I’m not even mad. Not at myself. I’m more dissapointed in you and even more dissapointed in myself. I don’t know. When things like this cause me pain and I can’t even cry, I just get over it really well. Tomorrow I’m wearing a pretty dress because I really don’t need you in general anymore.

Please shut up. I really don’t need to hear any more of your complaints. I’m just done. Please, act like a friend to me.

My moment of enlightenment? You promised you’d come to show or at least part of it and whatever that would take. And you didn’t. I didn’t get any good luck texts or anything like. So yeah, I really don’t need you. Also, you didn’t know that people knew you as someone who did drugs? Wow, really. Yeah, I’m done, and it couldn’t be any more fabulous.

I don’t think I need you anymore.

On the bright side, I was able to talk about my mom’s schizophrenia without crying in front of someone I care a lot about. And I guess I’m really proud of myself for that. Because after almost having a breakdown during class, I was able to control myself. I guess that also means I’ve come to terms with it.

I know he doesn’t like me; I’m just another friend. I don’t need him anymore than a friend anymore. However, that doesn’t change the fact that we’re still really close, and I care about him so much more than anyone else. But the fact that we’re slipping because I don’t want that anymore makes me really sad, especially when I know he he never wanted that.I seriously don’t understand what’s wrong with me because I’ve just been really sad the past few weeks, especially the past week. Only three people have noticed how bad it’s been. One of them was him, the other one was Nate and the third one is one of my best friends of eight years.I just don’t want to lose him. And this is just me being selfish and over emotional and staying up way to late, but I honestly can’t bare losing him. I’m sure I could handle it. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t before. But honestly. None of my pit family boys can replace him, even temporarily, as much as I love them and as much as I’m obsessed with some of them. I don’t know; I’ve literally felt so alone recently. I just don’t really understand why because I’ve been surrounded by people almost 24/7 the past two weeks. That’s just made me feel more alone. My friends honestly haven’t noticed. And that’s good. I don’t want them to be concerned for my well-being; they all have their own personal problems. I just don’t really know where I’m going with this anymore. Prom is next weekend, and I’m beyond single. And I know I’m really good at handling be single, but all the talk sort of gets to me, thus making me feel even more alone. These group of girls that I’m going with are getting bashed by so hard because they were terrible to one of my guy best friends. He happens to be one of the smartest, kindest, and most attractive senior guys I know; he’s the definition of perfect. So yeah, these girls have this negative connotation circling around them. Cathy and I don’t want to deal with that. But there’s nothing we can do about it. I just really want someone to hug be, and tell me it’s going to be okay. Because if they can peel through those layers, maybe I’ll be a little less sad. 

I’m fine.

But really, what could I do?